


Boats Against the Current (and so we beat on)

by radicallyred



Series: Pick up the Pieces [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Brother-Sister Relationships, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, F/M, Multi, Tears, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 21:25:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13221558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicallyred/pseuds/radicallyred
Summary: “Hey,” she starts out with a shaking voice. “I’m not really sure why I’m here.” She admits. “I had a really shitty day and all I could think about was how you would make me laugh when I had days like this. And then I remembered that youaren’t fucking here.” She clears her throat, tears already choking her up. “So fuck you, I could really use a shitty joke.”or the one in which Zoe visits her brother and recalls a memory





	Boats Against the Current (and so we beat on)

To be completely honest, Zoe doesn’t know how she got here. She was on her way home from school and now she’s standing face to face with her brother. Not her actual brother, but her brother’s tombstone.Tombstone. The word sends shivers down her spine. She chews her lip and stares at the writing etched into the stone. 

"CONNOR THOMAS MURPHY  
JULY 29, 1998-SEPTEMBER 5, 2016  
A GREAT SON AND WONDERFUL FRIEND"

She scoffs. Great son and wonderful friend. _Right_. She sits, legs folded under her, and continues to stare. She remembers back a few months ago when Larry came home crying, saying he had gone and talked to Connor. She sighed and glanced around. No one in sight. Not that she expected anyone to be, it was a Tuesday at one thirty in the afternoon, but she wanted this to be a private moment. 

“Hey,” she starts out with a shaking voice. “I’m not really sure why I’m here.” She admits. “I had a really shitty day and all I could think about was how you would make me laugh when I had days like this. And then I remembered that you _aren’t fucking here_.” She clears her throat, tears already choking her up. “So fuck you, I could really use a shitty joke.” She closes her eyes, thinking of their childhood. 

_It was an awful day at school. Emma Donowsky told her her overalls were ugly and her pigtails made her look like a redneck. She even got her best friends to stay away from her at recess. She sat on the cold metal bench, kicking her new white sneakers into the rocks. “Hey, Zo,” Connor says bounding over to her. “Why aren’t you playing?” He asks. She shrugs, not looking him in the eyes._  
_“I don’t have any friends anymore.” Connor frowns and sits next to her._  
_“Do I have’ta beat someone up?” Zoe gasps and shakes her head._  
_“No, Connor! You shouldn’t hit people! Mommy says it’s mean.” She reprimands. “Besides, you can’t hit girls.” Connor nods in agreement._  
“ _Well, do you want to come play with Evan and me? I think Jared is coming too, but I dunno.” He offers her his hand and Zoe just stares at him like he’s crazy. A third grader shouldn’t be playing with a second grader_. _“Come on, it’ll be fun.” Zoe takes his hand reluctantly and he smiles, his missing teeth making her laugh._  
_“Hey Zo. What does a nosey pepper do?” He asks, swinging their arms._  
_“I dunno, what?” He giggles a couple times before telling her the punch line._  
“ _It gets jalapeno business!” And she laughs, forgetting why she was even upset to begin with_.

She wipes her eyes at the memory. Her mom likes to talk about Connor as a little kid a lot, so it makes sense that this memory comes to her particularly.  


“I was really lost, you know, when you started... being like this.” She whispers. “I won’t apologize for any of my actions, but I am sorry that you never got the help you needed.” She croaks. “Dad’s a lot happier. And we adopted a dog. Her name is Autumn and she’s a golden retriever. I-you would have really liked her.” She smiles sadly, wiping her nose. “Therapy is good, I guess. You would have gotten so much better. I've been getting there slowly. I was angry, with you, at you. I still am. The therapist, Dr. Spaulding, says I got lost in the shuffle. It's like I was a boat and you, mom and dad were the ocean. When you guys would rage, waves would come and I would take the hit every time. I'm seriously getting better. I'm happier." She feels bad at how that comes out. She doesn't mean for it to be as malicious as it sounds, but she doesn't apologize. She puts it in the back of her mind to ask Dr. Spaulding at their appointment next week.

"Evan sees a difference, too. We started dating, by the way. He treats me really well and I love him." She's quiet for a moment. "He wants to come here sometime, by himself. He misses you. I can see it written on his face whenever someone bring your name up." She pulls her knees to her chest. "I should get going." She takes two steps and turns her head. "I love you, Connor." And she walks away, indigo streaked, dirty blonde hair tossed over her shoulder, blowing in the wind behind her.

And she swore she heard him say it back.

**Author's Note:**

> guess who finally figured out spacing (hint: me)
> 
> sorry these are so short, they're just drabbles. I think Cynthia's is going to be the longest. That's my intention, anyway.
> 
> kudos and comments, while not mandatory, are appreciated


End file.
